Only Human
by Butterfly Bandage
Summary: Just because Hibari loves dishing out pain to others doesn’t mean he enjoys it himself. Hibari-centric, oneshot, Varia arc, ep. 54


**A/N: **For all you _Reborn! _fans out there… ever notice that when Hibari gets hurt, he looks completely and utterly shocked every time? Yeah, that's what inspired this. If you haven't reached the Varia arc, spoilers galore. You have been warned. 3

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Hibari… oh the exercise I would receive from running away…

**Summary:** Just because Hibari loves dishing out pain to others doesn't mean he enjoys it himself.

**.:X:.  
****Only Human  
****.:X:.**

Hibari hated it. He hated that sudden rush that shot through his leg. That blinding, searing, please-just- let-me-die pain that overtook his entire body, like adrenaline only worse; he _hated _it. Hated, hated, _hated._ It was as though his leg was on fire, and though he'd never, ever, _ever _admit it, he wanted to cry out in pain, scream bloody murder and grab onto his leg. His eyes widened at the horrible, gut-wrenching feeling, and the urge to just _scream _made his mind blank out for the briefest of moments.

He never did, though. He was far to above that to ever show such weakness. But the fact remained that when that lazar only _grazed _his thigh, it was as though the entire leg had been ripped to shreds, it hurt so badly.

What made him angriest was that his body acknowledged the pain, even if he didn't even realize it at the time. His mind suddenly blacked out for the briefest of moments and he wobbled before falling to the ground, gasping and fighting against the urge to grab hold of the wounded area. He felt a gentle trickling run down his leg and realized it was bleeding profusely. Not a tiny little scrape, but a near gaping hole on the side of his leg.

Hibari could barely concentrate on anything. Never, ever, ever had he felt pain _this bad. _Hell, he barely ever felt pain at all. The last time had been…

_"Oh? Are you thinking that if there were no sakura, you'd be fine? If so, you are dead wrong."_

He sucked in his breath sharply, half from anger and half from another spasm of pain that shook his leg violently. He gritted his teeth. He was giving in to that weakness… that weakness he hated…

_"Let's get back to business, shall we?"_

He could almost feel that wrenching pain as his hair was nearly pulled from the roots… that kick to his head, the one that made him feel like he'd just been hit by a car. Then the kick to his gut… the punch that split his lip… the knee to his already broken ribs… the elbow to his face that caused his nose to bleed insanely…

He hated remembering that.

And the fact that he'd come so _close _to giving in to that weakness he'd always kept in. He'd almost cried out in pain… almost. His will power stopped him. He refused to be weak… he refused to be _restrained _by a human emotion like pain... or fear.

He'd been afraid at the time.

Not of Mukuro, the bastard. Never once was Hibari afraid of _him. _He wasn't even afraid of the pain he knew was bound to come. And it did. Time and time again. It dragged on, until he was wishing that Mukuro would just kick him in the head again and knock him out for a few hours until he could get his head one straight.

But he was afraid of death.

That dark, black abyss. It was the only thing Hibari ever sort of _feared_. Oh sure, he looked as though he could take on anything, not caring about the consequences to himself. Usually that was because half the time he won, anyways. There was no _need _to fear death.

But he remembered it. That horrified feeling, those thoughts…

_He's going to kill me._

_I'm going to die._

_I don't want to die._

It was so… _human. _And weak. He remembered right before he blacked out that feeling of disgust that he showed such weakness.

But he was only human.

Hibari closed his eyes and took a gasping breath, fighting down the pain mentally. His mind was bringing back memories he'd forced down.

Being possessed… that pain when Mukuro left his body… that brief moment before he passed out… his body had been on fire, and it burned… he remembered it too well.

_He felt an abrupt pulling on his body, and the blissful feeling suddenly left his body as though called. For a few seconds he felt nothing. Then, all at once, his body burst into a pain so intense that he could form no coherent thoughts, nor a voice to scream._

_All of the walls he'd so carefully placed around his mind broke down, and all he could concentrate was how badly everything _hurt. _It was as though a hook had been attached to every pore in his body and was being dragged away. He needed to scream, to cry out, to do anything to express this agony, this torture of sudden pain._

_He felt an odd rushing wind, and realized he was falling. He landed hard and lay there for a moment. He could hear them talking about how he'd been fighting unconsciously… he had been, he realized it now… __but the brief moment when Mukuro had left his body and mind had brought him back, and he wished to whatever higher power there was that he'd pass out again._

_Thankfully, that higher power complied._

He tried to grab his coat… the blood loss was giving him a fever and he shivered suddenly, then berated himself, beating down the feeling.

He would _not _give in to that weakness.

Ever.

"That's why he taunted Hibari."

He heard that grey-haired kid say that, followed by that Sasagawa Ryohei saying angrily, "That's underhanded!"

A sudden emotion burst into his mind. He'd be used. _Used. _Used in order to kill other people.

Used.

The word rang through his head, and an emotion he'd never felt before suddenly introduced itself. He felt… stunned. Stunned that his mistake—his _stupid, _selfish mistake—had almost gotten these people killed. It was an odd, unfamiliar, foreign feeling. He'd never cared for these people before, but that thought that someone had used him for their own personal gains made him feel angry and guilty and stunned beyond belief.

It was such a weird feeling, and he felt his mouth move as he gasped for air.

"You used me?"

He barely knew what he was saying. All of the emotions—pain, anger, frustration, guilt—ganged up on him all at once and broke down those mental barriers he'd put up for himself. He wouldn't ever let _anyone _use him ever again. No one would _ever _hurt these people again through him. They could do it themselves. He'd never be used again. Not even over his dead body.

After all...

He was only human.

**.:X:.**

**A/N:** Reviews, please?


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